I spend hours 

massaging my brain 

with pictures of outdoor tables.

I want something 

simple and durable, a spare design.

I know now that 6 people

need at least 135cms,

but 150, 200 cms are best.

In tests,

the strongest table material is iron, 

heavy against the wind, 

though wood and steel might do.

You don't want aluminum or plastic, which can easily fly,

at eight stories high, and so become deadly.

I thought about what cannot be left out without protection, 

must be covered from the rain and salt air.

Dirt too, from the subway site below,

blights everything up here with ochre dust.

But principally, after days of looking,

I realise I must consider time, 

which wisely suggests

that I have patience,

wait.

This is the sound after rain -

the burr sanded smooth, 

the pounding

that hides my confusion.

Then, when it stops, 

the placing of directions,

none of them easily understood.

 

I fell and skinned my knee like a child. 

Old men without teeth laugh 

and speak about me

in three languages. 

They have lived

their lives placing dirt and stone before bone.

They are easily understood.

I am warned to be silent here, wear rings, speak little.

 

 east

jupiter closest in 70 years

early morning, Vilar do Andorinho

Southeast,

grey lays between 

trees, hills 

smudged cold underneath

while white strides

skyward and

west

where

a red lit liminal 

heads 

true

north, radiant, into brilliance

last words

for fools 

that said enough

though those silenced

haven't the luxury of this

 

think once 

then again

send notes 

in a line

to the brain

figure 

a reasoned course

 

the deaf church 

next door

was a calmer world

my quiet mother

liked to sit 

Sundays alone

on our back porch

drink coffee

watch 

parishioner hands

greet and talk

in the  parking lot 

after service

history

1

Foot-in-Boot  (cat)

blood on the floor (cats) 

surrounded by

touch, too much touch

(wolves)

 2

babysitting political opposition

when the hit men come (dogs)*

you must run with the children

3

babysitting when men (bears)*

again and again

ask for you

4

I'm laughing

because

girls like me (chicks)

weren't supposed to know

about the absurd

 

 

 

*Stalin's dogs

*peo (fart) bears

 

 

 

 Her surface tension?

It is a laugh that relieves the terror of his screams and blows.

 She knows about untethered.

Rising, the girl blurts out

Dinosaurs have feathers, will be birds someday.

 

 

At eight rape

and cursive

names

What were their names?

Your legacy even then

held an omen of

mutual forgetfulness.

 

You loved others.

I wasn't first or last.

I knew that.

 

I can't remember their names.

I got lost, so lost

took rash advice

left myself 

came back angry

empty.

 

I can't cut anymore

said the doctor

after this, it's all coming out. 

 

I closed up shop,

 

cried for so many things 

but none of them helped.

 

I stopped crying. Just stopped.

 

Then, solitary,

I began to move

through the world.

That worked, is working

more than anything else.

 

I cannot remember their names.

And that's such a joy.

 

 Sleep

keeps

thoughts

alive

you thrive

 

 

heart sutra

hands

too many sounds

too much

too much

too much

 

 

 

a vontade de viver

1

A vontade de viver

Eu vou viver 

Eu próprio irei viver

Eu mesmo viverei

Eu vivo sozinho

Eu vivo para a vontade de viver

Viverei se tiver a vontade?

2

Aqui estão as suas mentiras
pessoas honestas que você é
aqui está o meu silêncio

o meu silêncio é alto
o seu silêncio mais alto

agora
neste silêncio
estamos ambos a dizer a verdade

3

Ontem à noite o meu lagarto Ryu
correr de um lado para o outro na sala
pés minúsculos ao contrário de um rato
protector da minha casa
nas horas escuras
ainda com a sua patrulha
não consegui dormir até ao amanhecer

esta manhã ela está escondida

Estou sozinho com as aves

 

1

The will to live

I will live

I will live myself

I'll live myself

I live alone

I live for the will to live

I will live if I have the will?

2

Here are your lies
honest people you are
here is my silence

my silence is loud
your silence louder

now
in this silence
we are both telling the truth

3

Last night my lizard Ryu
running around the room
tiny feet unlike a mouse
protector of my home
in the dark hours
still with his patrol
I couldn't sleep until dawn

this morning she's hiding

I am alone with the birds

uma vespa
um gato
um teste
de testamentos

 

a wasp

a cat

a test

of wills

uma mentira
uma mentira
cresce cada vez mais
e engole
que pouca boa vontade
ainda é deixado
um lago de mentiras!
Um mar!

_____________________

a lie
a lie
grows ever larger
and swallows
what little good will
is still left
a lake of lies!
A sea!

 

 

notes

remember 

1

the severed foot

the river snag

the sierra shale

 

remember

2

intangibles

the two men

who were going to rob you

interrupted by

the gun

in the garden

shots fired randomly

breaking glass, damaging brick

 

recent

3

a carpet of dead cockroaches (clean)

broken plumbing (fixed flow)

roof tiles lifting in the rain (mortared)

 

recent

 

4

renters (spent not saved)

whine, wrangle 

assume 

resist fairness (more is never enough)

 

recent

 

5

assume

you need

someone or thing

bring the wrong thing

to your heart's

equation

 

present

 

6

a gift

an introduction

and all that

remains

 

7

to remember

recently

present

is what remains

in the brain

 

 

 

 

 

 

`

 

 1:40

above taurus

uranus

pleiades near the bull's bile

mars upon a horn

beside the moon

below

is bellatrix

al nilam

rigel

orion's stars

east

of the great bear

 this morning 

saw a swift sitting

on my terrace rail

first time I've seen 

a swift

not uplifted 

by the air

last night

a delight

friends

excellent

art

and places

where living

has been embraced

afterward

I walk an incline 

down to the metro

past teens teasing one another

enter a cave of a station

with tired clerks and backpackers

at trinidade 

I change

to the yellow line

find 

I'll wait for the bus

because my bones

ache from hours of Porto walking

my Gaia neighborhood's dark, dark

stepping carefully through debris

finding street lamps blinding the final meters

shielding my eyes from them

the neighbors I've asked to stay away laugh loudly 

as they

come closer 

returning too

from a night out

I enter the lift

the laughing neighbors

shift their gaiety to rooms below me

I remain happy in our distance

happy they are happy

and I am happy too

you find those you 

have meaning with

you find

a quiet darkness and a brightness 

that both unblind you

make you open and generous

when you are with friends

1

stratocumulus

nimbostratus 

sun's begun 

to break through 

2

follow the sea

look north

but it's possible to 

look south

follow the sea up

to Irwell's mouth,

the Mersey,

or find it

higher

springing

from 

Deerplay Moor

3

clear mind takes time

4

west 

Bootes 

Arcturus

south

Mirfak

and Perseus

east

Jupiter

north

Lynx

5

thoughts coming and going:

 

The anxiety I feel in groups of people will be tested tonight.

I've sat long enough to see the sky blanch, and brighten to blue,

watch a tree I see everyday sway in slight wind.

The less I have, the more I see.

Empty space, grace,

my small towels drying quickly.

 

I love being alone, no songs, just the wind.

 

 

 

 

 

 1

falling asleep

dreaming of the Taklamakan

While most researchers agree on makan being the Persian word for "place", etymology of Takla is less clear. The word may be an Uyghur borrowing of the Persian tark, "to leave alone/out/behind, relinquish, abandon" + makan.^[1][2] Another plausible explanation suggests it is derived from Turki taqlar makan, describing "the place of ruins".^[3][4] Chinese scholars Wang Guowei and Huang Wenbi linked the name to the Tocharians, a historical people of the Tarim Basin, making the meaning of "Taklamakan" similar to "Tocharistan".^[5] According to Uyghur scholar Turdi Mettursun Kara, the name Taklamakan comes from the expression Terk-i Mekan. The name is first mentioned as Terk-i Makan (ترك مكان / trk mkan) in the book called Tevarih-i Muskiyun, which was written in 1867 in the Hotan Prefecture of Xinjiang.^[6]

In folk etymology, it is said to mean "Place of No Return" or "get in and you'll never get out".^{[7][8][9][10]}

 

a few things and thoughts, rain for two days

 1

rain changes direction and intensity

yesterday furious

last night 

drops thick and humming like locusts

this morning

the rain awake

remembers something, forgets something else

creating

rounds of wet sounds 

wailing up and quieting down for hours

 

2

tiny lizard tangled in my hair

found near the bed, dead.

Placed him outside - a wide, wet funeral

 

3

my homeostasis

less

and less

until blessed with

loss or balance

 

4

my incomplete portrait -

(age-related )

increased risk of wet leaks*

or absorbing too much of life**

 

5

gulls flying in rain

again

and again

staying in

for two days

testing the terrace's wind -

though dirt blown,

nothing's flown away

 

6

the repitition of language

in numbers

on paper

in sound

 

7

what wake my life

will leave behind

is blindly just this,

moving toward

nothing, 

but an hour

and an our

that awaits us all

 

 *macular degeneration

**  hereditary hemochromatosis (HFE-related), elevated creatinine levels

   

Trying to find good paper and old typeset

routing through foxed books

in a cellar

where a tail disappears into shadow,

and letterpress becomes offset

by the darkness

Even from 5 kms west I see whitecaps 

a winged something blown off-course

Little shelter

on this roof

for an old dog

 

The wind that surrounds

the roof

goes through the dog

makes daily sounds

birdish

accompaniments

to her wobbly processional

 

The four months I've lived here, the dog herself has never uttered a sound.

I coax her close, stroke her bony nose, give treats.

Tonight, stumbling into

my hands I stand her,

feel her warmth, under

fur the color of a thin fire.