january 21st
Dad had his operation last night. The doctors found tumors in his colon, lesions in his
large and small intestines, skin tumors, bone cancer. His body's crumbling. The cancers will reach a large organ, the brain, in months not years.
We send flowers with sweet smelling lilies. Mary and Maureen cry a lot. Paula thank god she's so damn efficient and fair, clear thinking.
Dad did it. He lived long enough to take care of mother.
Hope Dad lives to see spring, Paula says.
march 4th
Dad's in very recent chemo
may give him unhoped-for months
Mare and maureen there
and Mom comes home
lots of busy
wears mom and dad out
a good thing
a long straight sleep rare for them these days
the guilt
have we done enough?
as many answers as family
but I suspect
always in the negative
cannot be otherwise
living through dying is full of surprises
love. separation.
bittersweet ordinary.
april 17
warm spring smell
trees prickly with roundthorned buds
we've overwintered another year here
today we walk to the river
downy woodpecker, nuthatches, geese
and lovesick gulls
holding hands
I know we
are formed first by love -
his patience, suffering
shuts me up
a lucky woman
to have such a graceful partner
savor joy
it is not forever
